Moving forward...

A continuation of previously.

I've been thinking about the last place I was with all of this sewing thing. How I announced it, how I decided to tell everyone I was sewing things again, how that all came about. I remember starting to sew, learning how to use a sewing machine, one we just found in the vast expanses of my parents house. I remember attempting to make my first petticoat out of garbage we found in the house, and sewing through my finger. I began to work downstairs, and I figured out how to make bloomers. The first pair I ever made were striped, and Tori wore them for a photo that listed them on egl. I was one of the first to offer them so cheaply, the economy was better then, and people ate them up. I still have the LJ names, the addresses and the exact orders of everyone who bought something from me. It was all on index cards, so I could keep track of it from taking money to shipping it out. Postage usually only cost me a couple dollars, and at $12 a pair, I could legitimately make a profit.
When applying for schools, I made this collage of the things I had sewn:


I wasn't legitimately paying myself 'a living wage.' I have a concept of that now, what that really means, and as such I've begun to do cost analysis worksheets for Ick. It's part of my business plan, a really large part for me at least, to guarantee for myself that this is cost effective. To a certain extent, so far, it is. But the cost analysis relies on one key point: that we are actually making sales. If we are not, as we currently are not, then there is really no point in cost analyzing labor at all. If we are not making money, then we can not anticipate how much money it costs us to make each item, thus rendering this whole thing useless.
The point, to me at least, of making a business plan is for the individual creating the company to have an understanding of what all this requires. From the grand perspective of things, usually business plans are shown to potential loan givers to ensure that you have the experience etc in order to complete the business as you have decided to establish. I'm absolutely not affected by that right now, which is really sad, because there is no one to lend me any money. I have awful credit, because as my only current mentor put it, my debt to income ratio is bad. I have student loans that I literally cannot pay back because I'm in school and they won't even let me start to pay them back, let alone pay them out completely. Which seems not to be the right way to do it anyways? I don't quite understand all of this, so library books are teaching me lessons. I wish I didn't have class tomorrow or I would spend the whole day in the library with my computer to accurately write a legitimate business plan.
In a business plan you should try to compensate for your weaknesses. I'm a poor writer of this plan because I can't forsee in non-sarcastic clarity actual ways that I can prove my experience or anything of the like... Well, for now, it will be sarcastic.

Right now I'm having a huge issue of clarity. I thought my focus was very very specific, and I thought my competition to be specific as well. I thought, xyz american company will be my obvious competition. But there is no competition, none that's so obvious to say "yes, that company located at "www.this.com" is my competition for this business." This is a new and difficult situation, one that is not dependent on skill or quality like it used to be. It seems to be dependent on getting the most willing of consumers very quickly to a seemingly large stock of product. This seems to mean to me so far to get a website started, or at least a redirect to my etsy for now, and a larger stock of product.

I'm looking into contacting aeo lidia to do my web design. One of my old co-workers works now as a sales person at e page city, but I'm not really into their design. The first company looks like a better one, but it's still really really costly. And I still need to send the state their check for the starting of my LLC. I'm going to look for other options, but the amount of things that need to be looked into to make all of this complete is really complicated.

I don't have any answers but I have alot of questions. I don't have anyone really to talk to about this except Nick, and I am more grateful to have him(and his family) than I have ever been. You never realize how wonderful it is to have a best friend, one that you can tell everything to, until you are with that person pretty much 24/7. I know I give him alot of flack for how ridiculous he is sometimes, but at times like these when I'm working on something really hard and I really need to talk to someone about whatever, I'm so so so grateful to have him here. So many people are so self-centered (like myself, it seems) that I have trouble getting anything close to a conversation out of them, but Nick and I get along so perfectly sometimes I just can't believe we found each other.

That's all for now! Continued tomorrow, with something else that's been on my mind.

Currently Things as they are.

I am trying to take a long hard look at myself. Re-examining things that through the past couple years I have forgotten and ignored.
I'm trying to find again those things that really make me happy, why I got started with all of this crazy school stuff in the first place.
The point where I left New York, and decided to come back here. What was making me happy then, what did I think I wanted to do with myself.
The past months I have been working at Whole Foods, as some of you might know, slinging cheese, you know, cutting cheese, wrapping cheese, buying cheese... all things cheese. Cheese is still a really strong inspiration for me, as all food is, but it's not my passion. It is a passion, but not the one that has kept me going.
When I left New York I came back to my parents house in a van. We took all my stuff, which had tripled courtesy of the overflowing New York garbage can, in a mini-van back to Chicago. Everything that had filled my tiny room/cell in New York fit in a mini-van. I worked on a paper throughout this road trip, the miles and hotels passed like they had never been. The only memory I have of this return is sending in a paper I had rather poorly written to one of my teachers because I had missed the last day to head home before the holidays. I remember standing, with a desk directly in front of me, looking out towards a window, onto some sad excuse for a courtyard in another standard issue motel. The only thing I remember after that is waking up in my parent's house, setting up my computer on the living room table, and laying down in PJs to watch Aria the Natural. Anime had really become my only standby. While there was a ton of stuff to do(it's New York), it wasn't always anything I wanted to do, could afford to do, or was old enough to do. This has been a problem for a very long time as people always take me for older than I am. Now that I am not limited by my years there really isn't anything I'd like to do, even though there is ton to do. My focus becomes very broad without limitations, and therefore I get nothing done.
Back to the couch, sitting there watching anime... at some point I heard from two important characters, my old boss at the South Loop cheese counter, and an old family friend at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.
I must've thought to myself, "Well, it'd be good to have some money" and then... "why not go back to school here?"
Those decisions were quick and soon I was wrapped up in the whirlwind that was the last three years of my life, most of which I can't remember. From the late nights to the never-ending constant freak-out fear of the fashion department, I very quickly lost track of what exactly I was doing there in the first place. My artwork and fashion work just focused on brief instances, what I was interested in for short periods of time, not necessarily with any outcome. I'm going to try my hardest to go back through this work and reexamine it. In the flurry of school, I threw my artwork on the ground, in boxes, in the garbage, hidden in chains of file folders... I honestly don't know where most of it even is anymore.
Here I am. Last semester of college. This week is my Senior thesis set up, which once again, is another brief moment of fleeting interest. I'm going to do my best to document the process, but also another very important process that is much more directly related to my mental health.
Last year I decided to go back to work at Whole Foods. The decision came naturally, I was on seasonal at the Cheese counter. And I was extremely low on funds after the expensive fabrics I was supposed to be purchasing. I started back up again and very quickly found myself with a position within the administration. I thought this was grand for the first couple weeks. It was rough, hard labor, constant lifting and a never ending stream of condescending commentary.
"How are you going to lift those wheels?"
"Where's a man to help you do your job?"
"You mean, you are the only person to grab this order?"
Yes, Yes. Yes, Yes Yes Yes Yes.
I didn't think I'd be affected by it, I thought I would be stronger. That's always how I've thought of myself, but my return to Chicago had really changed many of my self-impressions.
I got sick, from weird things that grown-up people don't get sick from. The doctor kept telling me, your immune system must be really weak. I couldn't understand why at all...
Until I started getting these heart palpitations, which I'd never gotten before. I'd be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and all of a sudden, it was like I was running. My boyfriend, worried about me, sent me straight to the doctor as soon as we could. All the test results showed that nothing was actually physically wrong with me. It was the weirdest thing, for me, because as I soon began to talk to people, I was getting panic attacks.
Panic Attacks happen to people all the time. All people, all the time, apparently. There's no one I've talked to who hasn't had a story related to one of these things, but for me, for all I'd been through with getting beaten down by teachers, friends, whatever you could think of, never ever ever had I had something like this happen to me. So if this is really what's happening, why is this happening?
Three really obvious reasons:
1. I'm graduating... and then what?
2. I had five bosses at whole foods. Each of them can fire me, and they all contradict each other.
3. I hated absolutely everything about what I was doing with my life, and I could see no reason to continue doing it that could benefit me

Benefit me. I'm 21, I'm not 45. I'm not having a mid-life crisis at 21, right? But in a way, I was, and still am.
I had to reconsider what makes me really really happy, what I was doing then that I actually enjoyed. I'm still working on what precisely all that is, without dismissing it. Part of my training over these years was in cynical behavior, I am trained to deny certain things as legitimately making me happy. What I figured out is that (as silly as this sounds (see there I go dismissing it again!)) anime, sewing, and this silly 'living as a person from another time' type situation (ie. star wars costuming, world war II reenacting, 'lolita lifestyle'/victoriana/rococo) make me very very happy. Within each of these situations, in the present and the past, I have had some of the happiest times of my life, even when things were otherwise miserable.
There are particular situations I keep returning to as points of intense personal happiness.
1. Sewing lolita on commission for egl-people in my parents studio, listening to loud music, sometimes with Tori, sometimes late nights.
2. Running the anime club, or really just being there, running panels, being at Acen(oh yes, it's silly, but I really enjoyed myself)
3. Sewing all night for the Rockford reenactment when I finally realized that I was madly in love with my now boyfriend. the whole time there was fantastic... even now it makes me smile.
Of course the reasons for each of theses things are clear, each time, I made something or did something I was proud of. That pride was something I could carry with me and take personal happiness from. Sure the fashion shows at SAIC were great, but the constant fear that something was going to happen to my clothing or to me, or to my friends, made it all really miserable. And talking about everyone, judging yourself against them, really made me unhappy. I maybe made one real friend that whole time, everyone else... I'm not sure. Even still that one person I have a very hard time trusting.

Why waste my time on something I don't care about? Why waste my life away on something that will never find me actually important? I need to build my own self-worth and self-confidence again for myself, not for someone else, not to make my school look good, and definitely not for a gigantic corporation.

I decided to start sewing lolita again. I had entered SAIC with the intentions of starting a lolita brand. I had hired a Japanese tutor to teach me Japanese so I could go work in Japan, for a lolita brand. Each step of the process, I made something that basically had a lolita silhouette with some art-school crap on top of it. Those of you within the happier part of the lolita community may think that this final realization of my personal dream is great, while the trained cynics like myself start to mock. Why should I do this? Why me? Why now? I don't have answers to these questions yet, but I'm working on them, because I want to make sure that this is the right thing to do. I'm not making any money, and I probably won't for awhile, but as my mom so wisely said yesterday "You aren't making money, you are instead paying for your education." In having to buy business licenses, making mistakes, talking to people about this, etc etc etc I'm getting a very different kind of self-driven education. One that I'm really beginning to appreciate, even though I've only just started a couple days ago.

There you have it. I'm going to use this journal as a photo-journal/base for myself and this 'brand.' Be prepared for tons of photos with this awesome new camera I've purchased, and lots of complaining. I'm going to try my hardest to begin to write about how I am attempting to reinvent myself, within my personal style, and my mindset. And that's that!